Kolderveen in Denglisch

 Dear Pim, how are you and your artist institution KIK ? I hope you and Ingeborg are well and your're still working at artist curator and agents. Sometimes I remember my time in Kolderveen and altough I've positive emotion and a feeling of freedom by thinking about this time I know see my own shortcomings by drawing a look now with the distance of time. Well, It's long time ago. Actually I'm still doing artistic work with children and teenager. No longer as freelancer but as an employee in an company in Stuttgart, which is also serving several elementary schools. So I work in the so-called "Ganztagsschule" - a full-time school, which has also refugee-children integrated in normal classes. So actually I'm content with this work and it's the adequate situation for me with my man and two children to earn money. The freedom of an artist life remains as a possible vision for further lifestyle.

Why do I've the need to reflect about this time? I already mentioned my shortcomings in this time and know I've the need to explain the background about my behaviour. I noticed your, Ingeborg and Judith's  lack of understanding and embarrasment about my artistic work in this time.
Judith would told my one day, she does'nt understand, what is running inside my head.

There're several important facts in my then life, which influenced my artistic work and behaviour. In this time I had a phase of transition which had been marked of the separation of my then-partner and father of my son Nino. I also had been orientating myself towards possible goals and aims in my life. So, to cut short: I still had been searching for myself according to the question who I'm, how is my standing, where is my position in the society? In this phase of transition I'd also intrapersonel conflicts due to the question how to arrange familiar and social requirements to a mother on the one hand, on the other, to run a free life as an artist. At this point I underline, that an "free life as artist" doesn't mean for me to have an bohemian life and concepts without any reference to daily life.

In my opinion, the point in the question had been how to save mental autonomy in daily life. This still means for me the realisation of my values and ideas in daily life despite of adjustment pressure. Besides my jobs in the history museums I worked as a waitress. It had been long time ago that I suddenly had this time to reflect and think about my situation. Until then I had been tied up to survive and mange daily life.
So, perhaps for me it had been a shock to face suddenly a situation in which a had the absolute time and opportunity to do what I want the whole day.

So, why this interest to "Kurt Schlesinger"? I still wonder, why I chosed this subject. Nationalsocialism in germany, what's to do with me?
I already subspected myself to choose this topic to run away of my private problems. But it's not this easy. I had been fascinated about the fact, that a person is capable to deny his own identity in this way to serve a society in which he's not welcome. This ability of assimilation had been that fascinating fact for me.
What's to do with me? Is it the fact, that I don't feel me secure and safe in a society in which I grew up? Do I still have complexes about where I'm and where I'm standing? Isn't it a fact that I still feel like a second-class person, a person with migrantion background? This means that todays people still ask me about possible chinese origins or asian culture. Curiously the asking people are alsmost never "german people" but mostly people with also migration backgrounds or children. So, I had been always wondering about the gap existing between "german people" and aliens like me. And so I discoverd history for me. It's been one important way for me to understand soul and mentality of my surrounding environment on the one hand, and on the other to generate a common feeling by understanding actual developments originating and referring to historical backgrounds. So I had the need to compensate this lack of collective memory which had been the reason for the disturbing gap between me and "german people". And this fact had been an important point during my residence in Kolderveen. I had been convinced to become more "european", which means for me also to become "more german", so I use "german" and "european" synonym by comprehending history. This lack of tradtion, history, experience, whatever, so this lack of time, which ties a society together, so this lack is it which I can only overcome by understanding and reenacting.

I don't claim that I'd been aware of this in my residency time. It has been more like an slowly apporoach to the topic in this time.
First of all, I detected "Kurt Schlesinger" in "Westerbork" and the shortfilm of "Harun Farocki". For me it had been fascinating and horryfying, that he himself, a jewish person transformed to a nazi and run the "Lager". So this complete adaption of fashist values which stood in contradiction to his person had been somehow tied to my then question how to arrange artistic life and familiar issues.
I mentioned already, that I hadn't been completly aware about which impact it had to me in this time. But actually it's still an important topic for me. How to survive in a society, in which you're not really welcome. Curiously this society doesn't really exist. Yesterday, I walked through the city and enjoyed a free moment. I saw many people obvioulsy with migration background but very few "german people". So why feeling ? In contrast to my youth, I'm not purely surrounded by "german people". So, I'm convinced that this "german nation" is a fiction. In the opening of football WM aren't singer in the german football national team who're contributing in the national anthem. Actually "german" society exists mostly of people with migration background. But the public voice, the political and economic structures are governed by "german people". What's the meaning of global rise in right-wing populism? In my opinion it's a change in policy with members of former so-called Tricont countries. Western society is characterized by colonial past and economy. Members of former Tricont countries are amongst others asian, african or latin american. So, this is what I'm actually ware about. I never won't be a full accepted member of western society. Even if I'll run an acclaimed position in job or be economical succesfull. I wouldn't overcome the impression to be an assimilated person in a foreign society. 

In my opinion there is a huge lack of democratic values and reality in western society. An scientific analysis about the rising of trump mentioned the ignorance of the so-called "America B". Who are the "America B"? The part of America, which had been ignored of long time by the democratics, the global players. So, this is my opinion. You have opportunities to grab a place in western democratic society if you're well educated. This is often tied to familiar and economic ressources. Acutally there is a good example in german policy. The conditions and circumstances for refugees aren't still better. There're even propositions to restrict existing laws for refugees. But in the other hand, there are plans for a draft legislation, which proposes the aquirement of so-called "Fachkräfte" in foreign countries. This is similar to the greencard for people of india. So, we've in fact refugees here on the one hand, who are undesired because unqualified. On the other hand, we've qualified people, who're also undesired but more accepted because of qualification. But do you've that much people with migration background in your circle of friends? The writer J. Koetzee describes it excellent in a novel. He writes about "Banapaty" a worker of india in London, who is the neighbour of the protagonist in the novel. He works for the same company like the main character and tries to start a friendly relationship. But the protagonist don't want to be a friend of him. He doesn't share the same awarness and attitude of life with him. So, this is, what I notice. The same culture has not only to do with a common socialisation but in a common past. Only after a successful passing of several generations of "people with migration backgrounds" and "german people", there will be a collective memory and sense of togetherness in german culture. Although the idea of europe doesn't include former
Tricont countries whose members are part of german culture.
In my opinion it's only the time, which content the possibility of overcoming colonial past and the gap between Tricont countries and western society.
What's to do with me and my artistic work? I've still the need to explore the area of history to understand my existing in here and now.